You can’t judge a book by its cover, they say. However, in this case, this issue is about as exciting as the cover. Everyone is standing around looking scared. Behind them is a strange vault. Fifty Sue is smiling. Ehh… yes, Ryan Sook portrayed this comic well on this cover. Props to you sir!
In this edition of Futures End, things get a little dark. There’s a decent amount of dark magic references/characters here but not so much that the average Joe couldn’t follow most of what’s going on. This is Futures End though. Their goal is to incorporate a bunch of folks throughout the DC universe for this huge final conclusion in Convergence, so I guess it’s about time we get a little deeper in characters I’m not that familiar with. There’s some funniness with Superman, a little hanky panky with Terry Mc-“Get Some”-Guiness, an origin story of sorts for Stormguard, and the revelation of a female Firestorm to the Justice League. To be clear, this one’s a snooze fest. I fell asleep three times while reading it….Okay, okay, that’s a lie.
- The House of Mystery — This is the place Amethyst brought Frankenstein’s dying body. It is a place “Currently residing on the edge of nowhere. A time between time. A place between places.” If you love the Justice League Dark, please do us a little PSA in the comments section about the House of Mystery. It is an unsuccessful trip as Amethyst is told that whatever’s affecting Frank is beyond magic. So that makes it officially beyond both science and magic. That stinks. Oh wait, you know what else? Amethyst forgets about the poor state her friend is in and remembers how much she hates Constantine, who happens to be there, and she stabs him. Yessir. This section just kind of slaps you in the face with a cold, wet fish.
- Las Vegas — Faraday, the Langs (Cole and Lana are “married” remember?), Voodoo’s gang, and Rock are discussing the mission that Fifty Sue is on. She’s out to investigate the giant vault housing all sorts of DNA top secret stuff that sank when Cadmus island was blown up. She brings it back with her and it shocks everyone. This was most unspectacular to me. Last week’s dialogue between Fifty Sue and Lana was so amazing and now we’re left with this? I mean, the dialogue isn’t horrible, it just didn’t go far. But that’s the way these tiny little sections have to go, I guess.
- Smallville — Okay, do you remember those weird places on Earth Constantine was talking to Clark about a few issues back? Places of evil where “the Master” connected on some supernatural/magical way? Where the giant bear fought Superman and lost? Well Constantine seems to think that Smallville is one of those places. They’ve made it all the way from Siberia to Smallville and Midge has yet to put on clothes? There’s a funny joke made about Clark’s eyeglasses disguise that deserves some mention. That was perhaps my favorite part of the book. Other than that, the fact that Smallville might be so evil that, like a magnet, it attracted Superman’s goodness to it when he landed there as a child is the only thing of importance here. What stinks is how Constantine is drawn. Generic and inconsistent, I didn’t even recognize him on the first page of this section…..hrrumph, oh.. I’m sorry. I, uh, I gotta hold my eyes open.
- New York City — Yeeeeaahhh man! Terry, you just rescued that girl you got the hots for! Dude, and she’s totally into you man! Go buy her a drink, she’s cool…. Naa man, relax, I know you just saw the old man Bruce’s face on the backside of his arch nemesis’ face attached to a Brother Eye-styled cyborg body fighting present-day Batman, but go chill out! I know a place in plain sight of anyone that might be looking for you that you and your girlfriend can sit. Yeh-heh-heya! Drop a line about our next plot point for this section about how you’re gonna go talk to Tim and…is that her hand? She really is coming on to you! …Wait. Did she just make a “screw” pun and blatantly turn it into a joke. Oh no. No. This is a bad idea. I feel like I’m a child again and I’m listening to my parents try to talk dirty to each other and they don’t realize I’m fully aware of what they’re doing. Oh no. Stop. Terry, don’t. And geeze man, why is Bruce all pervy about this? I can see him just standing there with his binoculars! Why couldn’t we have just seen him and JokerBats fight instead?!?
- Justice League Defense Station Omega — It’s the Watchtower. Shazam in the Superman Mask suit is discussing why he still wears the suit with Stormguard. Stormguard launches into a story about why he wears the flag and the remembrance of those who’ve fought for their country and died. It’s as if the writers are trying to raise Stormguard’s importance up on par with that of the symbol of Superman. But for me, it just isn’t happening. Firestorm makes her appearance on board and the guys are confused. The end.
- You’re a major Stormguard fan.
- You like the dark magic DC titles.
- Not having every issue of a series makes you physically ill.
It’s a slow week for Futures End. Nothing much happens in these pages to justify the $2.99 price tag. Some people may enjoy the Bat scenes or even the dark magic characters, but it did nothing for me. It is bland with a pinch of bitter.